I want you to be alive

Former NFL football player Junior Seau - died by suicide in 2012. I had loved watching him play. The man had a huge heart for the game and I loved how he made everyone around him play at a higher level. Fast forward.. 3 years later - someone I knew back in high school died by suicide as well. Her name was Emma. We were suppose to meet up at 12 stone (a church) one day and I regret not trying to make that happen. She had passed away the same week I attempted suicide, but wasn't successful. Within these 3 years, plus dating back earlier to my sophomore year in high school there was a suicide every year. And there was always this question when I thought about it all. Why am I still here? Survivor's guilt.


It's real. I don't know if others experience this but I do. I struggle sometimes thinking It should've been me and not them. They had so much to live for and well me not so much. I miss Emma a lot. Despite not talking to her that much before what happened. I can't help but think about our friendship from before and the angel that she was. If only there was something I could've done. Something I could've said. But it's too late. The truth hurts like hell.  Hell is what I feel knowing someone made that decision to leave this world way too early permanently, before the sunrise showed up right in front of them. They got caught up in thinking the night would never end. Their demons they struggled lied to them. Blinded them. Made them forget. Forget how loved they really are. Blinded them from seeing hope and happiness. Lied making them think they weren't strong enough, good enough, mattered enough - not 'enough' of anything to be alive. That's Depression for you. An illness. A real medical illness. That rewrites your thought process, messes you up physically and drains the life out of you and while putting in negative beliefs that get stained in and now you have a hard time removing it.


Depression is an all out battle.

A battle of regaining control of your life after losing the wheel. It's figuring out what joy feels like again after not remember what it was like. It is trying to fall in love with yourself despite having a few cracks that haven't been glued back together yet. It's not giving up on recovery when recovery seems to have given up on you.


You. Must. Keep. Going.


Things may seem like they're progressively getting worse. You may be tired of being tired all the time. Someone might've told you to go ahead and end your life. Feeling like the psychiatric hospital is your new home breaks you. Life seems pointless. And giving up seems like the best way to rid your pain.


There's something better.


That thing is called - Help


Asking for help is a gateway to planting a seed of hopefulness. It's a start and sometimes that's all we really need is a start. A starting place. A foundation. Roots. Somewhere we can grow and build ourselves.


There's ways to get better. Easier ways to cope. Medicine that will help. Support groups. And more. You've got to ask and someone will help you. As you're reading this I hope you're ready and willing to ask for help. Here's a number to call if you are.

Please don't think twice, start dialing.

Someone is on the other line waiting


I want you to be alive.

 Tony Cox Jr